December 2014

Needs

After 2 years of upsizing my life, I’ve gradually been downsizing.

2 years ago, I got my first apartment. It was a pretty spacious 1 bedroom unit.

1 year ago, I “upgraded” to a 2 bedroom apartment. This place was huge and I furnished every corner of it.

7 months ago, I started selling my stuff. Stuff I told myself I’d never have. Stuff that just seemed to be endless.

Furniture, electronics, decor, even clothes.

I was selling stuff, but what was really happening was a shift in my mindset.

I sold my stuff because I needed the money. But what I learned is a valuable lesson about needing and attachment.

The stuff I sold was purchased under the pretense of need.

I need an apartment to be happy.

I need that huge table so my friends have a place to sit.

I need that 60” television to watch my favorite programs.

I associated the outcomes I wanted with the need of stuff. Once my stuff stopped serving their purpose, it all just became a pile of crap I had to carry around.

Once I disassociated stuff with outcomes, I started seeing my life in a different way.

I have more to say on this, which is why I’m breaking it down into a few parts.

I’m about to leave Austin to head back home to New Jersey for Christmas. I’ll be driving, so I’ll have a lot of time to reflect on this topic.

See you then.

I said I wanted this

Today, December 13th, 2014, I’m officially broke and homeless.

I left a deep, loving relationship for the unknown. I broke my own heart, and even more painfully, I broke the heart of the person I love.

All I have are my laptop, my truck, my ideas, and $15 in cash. I’m going to sleep in a Walmart parking lot tonight (cheers to, uh, new experiences!).

Those are definitive facts about me today. I don’t know much else to say about myself these days.

My gut says it’s all apart of something bigger. A something I can’t yet visualize, but one I know will come together. It has to.

This post isn’t a cry for help or pity. Quite honestly, I’ve felt clearer than I have in a long time and the future seems brighter than ever (if I told you I wasn’t just rationalizing, would you believe me?).

From here, I can only move forward with a head held high, confident that the skills I’ve developed as a creative and human will take me in the right direction.

After all, I said I wanted this.

Sometimes you can’t help but feel the hopelessness buried underneath the strength that comes from plummeting into the unknown.